Essay: A Simple Guide to Making Movies Better!

The major studios believe that movies can be improved by adding the illusion of a third dimension during post-production.  Most of the films that utilize this technique come off as transparent cash-grabs, diverting audiences' attention from iffy storylines, shoddy direction, and the obscene amounts of money that are routinely sunk into otherwise forgettable experiences.

But 3D has met with some resistance, partially because it is added after the fact.  Only a handful of films have been shot in 3D, which adds a level of thoughtfulness to the visuals in terms of their design, and technically looks more convincing.  Post-production "3D" effects tend to be far less convincing.

I'd like to offer a few ideas to the film industry as alternatives to 3D.  Each of these will help improve the experience of going to the theater and boost box office revenues without the expensive and often unsatisfying addition of 3D.

Sparkly Things: All animals - humans included - are distracted by shiny objects.  Directors and production designers should be encouraged by studios to stock their sets and costumes with more brass and chrome.  Films set in the '20s and '30s can take advantage of the Deco era's fixation on silver and copper.  Male characters should always be checking large pocket watches and females should wear a lot of bangles and jewels.  Get creative, Hollywood!  After all, your audiences are only a few genes away from dogs entranced by sunlight reflected off water.

Hidden Genitals: People like penises, vaginae, and breasts.  Slow scene?  Too many deadly dull "character moments"?  Complex imagery?  Avoid these attention span-killers by digitally pasting male and female erogenous zones into backgrounds and sets.  Turn the movie into a veritable "Where's Waldo?" of sex organs and mammary glands.  Judd Apatow has guaranteed a penis in each of his films; I think the studios can do even better than that and increase audience engagement at the same time.

Free Pizza: Give out a personal pan pizza with every ticket.  Do I need to elaborate?  Calories make people easier to please.  The introduction of pizza, therefore, actually increases the quality of every movie.

Make Movies Shorter: Two hours?  The average teenager can send four to five Tweets a minute, watch 20 to 25 YouTube videos in an hour, or issue seven or eight solid cyberbully threats every 30 minutes.  Let's not rob the cinema's core audience of their valuable time, or discourage them from returning to the theater.  Feature films should be cut down to 45 minutes, max.  Also, offer iPad stations in the lobby for emergency access to social networking sites and online gay-bashing.  These kids are our future and the movie business needs to keep up.